Trauma (Written By Fable Fox)
Trauma
NOTE: As I'm writing this article, I notice that I've written quite a lot of articles for HUGI 32. Well, the last time I wrote something for HUGI was back in the days of HUGI 23, using the handle 'Maniac Wolf'. I want to pay what I consider, not something I owe to Adok, but something that I owe to myself. There are some things I feel guilty of, and by writing to HUGI - I let it go. Interesting intro? Well, since we're talking about trauma, yes, it's a very nice intro.
It Took Her Less Than 1 Hour, It Cost Her 23 Years
Yep. Long paragraph title. I watch the documentary / infotaiment titled 'Worst Case Scenario' yesterday, and one of the stories is about a woman who is afraid of the dark. She has been like that since she's 8 years old, and now she's 31 (the data might be a little bit off, I'm a forgetful person). Anyway, what turned her to be that way? Well, one night she watches 'The Excorcist' with her nanny and little brother. When she goes to bed, and switch the light, her bed shakes, and when she tries to run, a hand grabs her leg. But her mum and dad arrive and save the day. Yes, it was her brother. Since that night, she has never, ever, been in the dark again. It was interesting, is there a switch inside her head, and the incident switched it on/off? 23 years later, in this show, she is forced to face her fear again. She was then being treated by a psychologist, and guess what, she was cured. In just a night.
Fight Our Fear
Everybody has their own fear. Including me. Sometimes it's something that other family members started. Or how your parent raised you. Or the surroundings which you were brought up in. What happened to Zidane in the recent World Cup sums it all. People keep on mentioning this: "You can take the man out of the bad enviroment, but you can't take the bad enviroment out of the man".
So, yes, you can walk away from your fear, but the fear won't walk away from you. You must fight it.
I'm afraid of failure. Of rejection. Of criticism. I should have know better. My family teamed up and trashed me for getting one wrong answer out of 50 math questions. The reason? It was an easy question, it was too easy that I didn't notice I marked the wrong answer on the answer sheet (I got it right on the question paper). I didn't even check again because I was too busy checking for the other hard question, which I answered correctly. Being trashed for getting 98/100 on Math. Gah. Then again, this is Malaysia, where number of A's is the most important thing under the sun. Real intelligence is last on the list (This is due to the concertation on memorization of the answer, not critical thinking).
This has lead to me being a perfectionist. But you can't be perfect. So I was paralyzed. Struggling to make sure everything I work on is at its 110%, or better. Better than the best out there. I was so sick because there's no way my handywork is the best out there (no one first handywork can, you need to build experience first, and this is the vicious circle).
This is where my first article for Hugi comes in. The title is "Idiot Savant" by Maniac Wolf. (I think I also sent a poem called C.H.U.A or Chua, but I can't remember if I actually did so, or in which HUGI it appeared). The article is about someone who is far from perfect, but has something they are good at.
My article appeared in HUGI, an international (so to speak) and free diskmag. I received one e-mail, saying it was good. What better, no criticism! Reading my article in HUGI at that time made me feel like I was a part of the demo scene. Yes, I'm too poor to buy a ticket to Assembly, Breakpoint or The Gathering. Too poor even to buy the latest hardware to allow me to watch the latest demos. Actually, I don't even have an Internet connection (I used cyber cafés), so watching large demos, or animations - is out of the question.
I'm no way able to be on the same page with Future Crew, The Black Lotus, Aardbei, etc. But I don't have to be on that level to be a part of demo scene. Just look at what I can do, and just do it. Contributing to HUGI looks like a nice option. And a good one too. I'm in the writing business now, so I enjoy writing articles, even for free. I'm building my portfolio. My knowledge. The more I write, the more I know. The last time I did save game hacking was before Win95 was released. But to write the save game hacking article, I walked down a memory lane. And I'm happy.
My articles may not be the best out there, but they're something I'm proud of. Something I do my best in. Then I just realized I just fight my fear, and win. There are other fears that I must face, but that is another battle for another time.
So fight your fear, send your articles to HUGI :-P
I won't criticise. Well, at least not until I have a broadband connection.
PS - If you're wondering why I changed from 'Maniac Wolf' to 'Fable Fox', well, back here in Malaysia people are not allowed to use the word 'Maniac' as a business name. It originated from my old hacking days, although I never released anything illegal (thanks to The Keyboard Caper of Crackers in Action for cracking tutorials, and Da Vinci of Phrozen Crew for gfx tutorials!), which is why you might never heard of my name. Actually, I wanted Frozen Fox (Phrozen Crew inspired me), but after getting enough money to buy the domain name, someone actually beat me 2 days to it. Gahh, so I looked for another word starting with 'F'. You might ask, why the logo at my website has 3 F? Hmm... it looks good that way. The first F holds a word, that only I will know ;-) But it you insist, it's something thats start with an F :-P
PPS - Have I told you this before? I'm feeling a little bit of Deja Vu.
PPPS - Someone wanted to buy Fable Fox (the name and the domain) for cheap from me. Since it was cheap, like enough for me to buy another new domain name and a cup of tea - I decided not to sell it. It was a two-man animation company start-up. I told them, a good portfolio is more important than a good name. But it's nice to know that Fable Fox is a good and interesting name on its own. One avid book reviewer even mentioned, "Nice name" when I gave her my name card. See, you doesn't have to be the best, just be yourself - then you are on your way to be the best!